Friday, November 14, 2008

sweating to the...

There has been a lot of advertising lately for prescription-strength deodorant. First of all, ladies, if he can't smell you he will not want to do anything else to you either. We are mammals, and as mammals, we have pheromones. These are key in finding a compatible mate. Cover it up with industrial strength Secret and you are going to be in a world of trouble. One commercial shows how effectively the deodorant can block a tidal wave of moisture. Instead of, oh my God, sweating, they would like you to trap all the toxins your body is trying to rid itself of. Where will these toxins end up? Loitering around your lymph nodes and breasts. While I am not sure if there is a link with breast cancer, I can't imagine it is good for you either. We need to sweat, and sweat can be sexy. I took an unofficial poll of my male co-workers last night and they all agreed that sweaty girls are hot girls. If it makes you feel better, say you are glowing. Say you are glistening. Trust me, your single self will thank me.

Friday, October 31, 2008

a calorie is a calorie is a calorie

One of my co-workers weighs 95 pounds. That includes her breast implants. She is miniature and adorable and, surprisingly, has a great personality to boot. I was describing to her the 30 day detox I did that resulted in ZERO weight loss. The only thing I got after a month of not eating or drinking crap was glowing skin. Really? All I need is ten minutes in bed and Benefit Hoola for glowing skin. I went on to tell her how sick I was of the "six mini meals a day and working out five days a week" advice. I asked her to indulge me.

"Tell me your day. Honestly."
"Honestly? I wake up and drink coffee until I feel like I will fall over. When I can't take it anymore I eat a little bit of food. I run eight miles and then I eat a tiny bit more. If I want something I eat it, but only a bite."
"I knew it!"
"Here is the bottom line," She says as she eats one french fry. "A calorie is a calorie is a calorie."

It was an extremely refreshing conversation. This pint size co-worker of mine knows that there are benefits to eating a balanced diet full of nutrients. She knows that someday it could all catch up to her and she could be found smothered by chocolate cake that she has buried her face in. But to lose weight and look hot now she knows the truth: Eat less.

The smart girl writing this is aware of how dysfunctional it all sounds. But the girl who dreams of frolicking carefree in a bikini can't help but promise to only eat one french fry next time.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Reality Bites

I am addicted to some really bad things: trashy magazines, miniature Snickers bars, cheap pedicures and made for teens but watched by twenty-somethings tv. The newest episode of 90210 takes the teens to Homecoming and rehab. The girl who plays "Brenda" (I have no idea what her name is) had a forehead breakout even the best makeup artist couldn't hide. It was the most realistic thing that has happened on that show since it premiered. Now all I can hope for is a character with braces and baby fat.